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Fic - A Place I belong

Title: A Place to Belong
Author: Katrinatoc – Kat/Ryan
Fandom: CSI:Miami
Claim: Speed/Ryan
Prompt: “Somewhere I belong” by Linkin Park
Word Count: 991
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: suicide, Death of Main Character
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from CSI: Miami or CSI: NY... But I really wish I did... then they’d perform for us all.... *drools*
Author's Notes: Lyrics are in italics and bold is Ryan’s letter to H and Alexx… Do enjoy the fic… and please… don’t feed the Monkey…. He’s for the bunnies…. *grins*

 

A Place to Belong

 

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me

 

          Ryan wandered around the labs, lost and confused. Tim had said that the people at the lab would welcome him with open arms. So why weren’t they?


(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

 

          When Ryan asked him at his grave site, he understood. They wanted Speed, not a replacement. I hurt, but he understood their hostility.


(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel

 

          That news didn’t stop him from working though. While Eric and Calleigh did what they could to try and get Ryan to leave, he kept working.


(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

Ryan would be the first to admit that he makes mistakes, but the worst would come after Eric threw it into his face that he didn’t know Speed like they did. They never knew that he and Tim had been lovers.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

 

The pain in his arms was inconsequential. He needed to feel something, something other than the numbness that had enveloped him after Eric’s cruel words.


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

          Alexx, Valera, Frank and Horatio did what they could, but Ryan was slowly falling down the trail that Tim had been before they had gotten together. He withdrew from everyone but the four who were trying to keep him alive.


And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)

 

          Time passed slowly, and Ryan didn’t understand Calleigh and Eric’s hot and cold attitude towards him. One minute they were kind to him, the next they were harsher than the artic winds.


Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)

 

          As every image that Tim had painted in his mind about his two best friends shattered, Ryan stopped reaching out to them. They never noticed.


What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)

 

          Many people followed Eric and Calleigh’s example and treated him harshly, except when Alexx, Frank or Horatio were around. Valera was his only lab tech friend in the whole lab.


Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

 

          He only had himself to blame. He wanted to wait before Tim had him enter the lab, and he never pushed Tim to come out to his friends. Now, he had almost nothing.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

 

          Horatio and Alexx never saw the scars on his wrists, he always made sure that his wrists were covered, and the one time Valera saw them he told her how he had cut himself by accident as a child. She never asked again.


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

          He never understood why people enjoyed passing their pain onto others. His whole life, he did what he could to lessen the burden on others, but he was getting tired. Also, the numbness was taking longer to leave his body.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

 

          It took many trials to become their friend, but they didn’t care what it did to him. His wounds kept growing at their lack of understanding, and Ryan knew that he had to go, or he would break. What he didn’t know was that he was already broken.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

 

          He didn’t show up to work one day, causing Horatio and Alexx to worry. Eric took his time to get to Ryan’s place, time that Ryan was losing.


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

          The smell of blood hit Eric, and he called 9-1-1. He followed the ambulance and found Ryan DOA. Eric handed Horatio and Alexx the letters he saw and watched as both broke down, the words were a slap in the face to him and Calleigh.

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

 

H/Alexx,

 

I’m sorry that you found out this way, but I’m can’t take much more. The indifference hurts more that people can imagine. I know that Tim is waiting for me, so don’t cry too much.

 

I know I should have told you that I was Tim’s partner for a good five years, but I wanted to earn my place in the lab. I just wish I had the chance to try.

 

Please, send my regards to Maxine and Frank, the four of you made many of my days brighter.

 

Love,

Ryan Wolfe-Speedle

Comments

( 6 guests — guest book )
lexxiescott
Dec. 12th, 2007 03:53 am (UTC)
It is so difficult to write from this point of view, in my opinion, unless you've been there or know someone who has. I know I've been on that edge before and it very hard to reach out for help.

Well done with this one. *grin*
katrinatoc
Dec. 12th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC)
*bows* thank you....

*smiles* I know it as well.... that song just helps me hone it into words and fiction....

never went as far as Ryan did, and never needed to cut... but got close to it at times...
immortalje
Dec. 26th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC)
I haven't watched beyond season 2 so I'm not likely to read Miami fics anymore, but something in the summary called to me and you made me cry.

Ryan's pain really came through and I know how much being pretty much ignored (for lack of a better word) can hurt. I know I've been thinking about it just as I know I wouldn't do it (and hopefully that won't ever change).

I love how emotional it is. Stories this intense always make me feel sad and better at the same time. (and I better stop before I really start rambling with all the thoughts that now run through my mind -- only positive things and ways to twist things to a happy end)
katrinatoc
Jan. 6th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm glad you liked it!

I was going for the aspect of Ryan not being as strong as he was.... and BAM! this hit me...

*rubs head* it hurt too....

*grins*
(Deleted comment)
katrinatoc
Jan. 6th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)
*blushes* thank you! yes... I wrote alot of HP/SG1 and also anime before I became one of Sylum's members....

*peeks up shyly* you did like them?
(Deleted comment)
katrinatoc
Jan. 9th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
*blushes deeper* I'm trying to finish my latest one... but I stummped for the battle scene....

other wize it'd be done by now....

*pouts*

*hugs* I thank you for loving them.... *grins*
( 6 guests — guest book )