Title: Can I trust you?
Pairings: past Ryan/Speed, Ryan/Eric pre-slash
Warnings: M/M, Angst, First Time, H/C, attempted suicide
Rating: NC-17 (just to be safe) FRAO
Fandoms: CSI: Miami
Genre: Slash fiction
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from CSI: Miami... But I really wish I did... then they’d perform for us all.... *drools*
Thanks to my Beta Willow/Laura and Becca/Paul...
A/N: Paul wanted Ryan Angst with a side of Hardy Boys... Here’s the fic!
Summary: Eric has gone too far in his quest to get Ryan to leave. Will he be able to see what he did wrong and stop Ryan’s ultimate and final act?
Can I trust you?
Ryan only let the tears fall once he had entered his Condo. Eric’s words rang in his head as he went about his daily chores. The continuous put downs and comparisons to Ryan’s friend Speed hurt in a way that Ryan prayed that he would never have to feel again.
He made it to his room before collapsing onto the bed and shaking with painful sobs. The noises would have broken anyone’s heart if they listened, but no one was around to soothe the breaking man.
Entering early the next morning, Ryan wanted to get as much done as possible before he left for the day. If anyone had bothered to look at him, they would have seen dark circles under his eyes, and then the dullness in the green orbs. His face was haggard and pale, and Ryan could only pray that Eric would leave him alone today.
Luck had been on his side until just before clock out. As Ryan moved towards the locker room, he missed seeing Eric from the corner of his eye and let out a pained gasp as he felt his bones creak as he was knocked into the wall.
“Watch where you’re going Wolfe,” The words were spat at him, and Ryan simply sighed and made his way to his locker, missing the look that Eric gave him when he didn’t fight back.
Alexx saw what Eric had done and went to check up on Ryan. Seeing the poor boy avoiding the use of his arm, Alexx held back tears as he fought to keep the pain off his face. She stepped forward to help Ryan, but the look in his eyes made her gasp. The green eyes were blank and resigned. She knew if nothing was done, Ryan would be on her table soon.
Ryan drove to his home on auto pilot and stopped to get some alcohol on his way home. The kid at the counter looked concerned from a moment, but upon seeing the badge clipped on his belt, the look turned to compassion. Leaving before the kid could give him his change; Ryan made his way home to make some calls to his lawyer.
The meeting with his lawyer went smoothly and painlessly. If the man had any idea that Ryan was going to kill himself sometime in the next twenty-four hours, then he might have done something other than shake Ryan’s hand and leave. Ryan had set up his will to give most of his things to charities in the Miami area; with the exception that one third of his monetary assets went to the University of Miami’s Criminology branch.
As he began to prepare the house, Ryan sat down to write several letters. One would go to each member of the team he was in and a few buddies on patrol. Each letter explained that he was tired and just wanted to rest. He also wrote down that he wanted his friend Speed back, one of the few people who had understood him. Ryan’s eyes were dry, and he never noticed that he had been up all night.
He began to take the pills and wash them down with the beer he had bought just around the time he would be entering the crime lab. Horatio noticed Ryan was missing and had Eric go to pick him up. Ryan was in a haze when someone began to bang on his door. Smiling to himself, Ryan simply thought that H was too late to save him. He blacked out upon the door being busted down and Eric staring at his body in shock.
Calling an ambulance and H, Eric tried to force Ryan to vomit, and get some of the toxins out of his system. When the EMT’s showed up with H, Eric was a wreck. While the Cuban didn’t like Wolfe, he hadn’t wanted him to kill himself.
‘You did a good job in showing him that didn’t you Delko.’ His inner voice scolded him and Eric could only shiver.
‘All you ever told him was how worthless he was, maybe he decided to do the world a favour and get rid of the trash that marred the world. After all, he was just a replacement for Tim wasn’t he?’ The voice was merciless and when Eric looked around he spotted the envelopes.
Horatio noticed them as well, and upon reaching the hospital, Calleigh and Alexx were both waiting with worried looks. Horatio simply handed them the letters and they read.
“If you’re reading this then I’m dead. At least I hope I am.
I know that Tim Speedle was a good man. He taught me a few things about criminalists when we hung out. That’s right, I was one of Speed’s friends and the reason he came to Miami. His family hated him, and we had been lovers at one point.
I’m not blaming any of you for not knowing, but it would have been nice to be able to talk to all of you about the side of Tim that you never knew. I just want to see him again, and I’m so tired. I’m tired of being blamed for a death I couldn’t prevent. I’m tired of being compared to a man that had years of experience under his belt. I’m tired of being a shadow in a world of bright lights and cold words.
I don’t begrudge any of you, I know the pain of loss well, and I’m just sorry you all had to feel it for so long. I’m going to rest now, rest in a place where none of you will have to worry again.
Horatio, thank you for trying; I can only wish it had worked out better for all of us.
Eric was rooted in his spot and nearly fell over at the words written in front of him. Ryan had known Speed, and was taught by him. He felt sick to his stomach and sat down heavily in one of the plastic chairs. He looked back upon his actions and felt even worse. When Ryan had tried to give a peace offering, he had knocked him down and ridiculed him. Shuddering, Eric missed the arrival of the doctor and his statement that Ryan would live.
Alexx stayed behind with Eric to see if he would snap out of his shock, and helped the young man to Ryan’s room once he realized that Horatio and Calliegh had already left. Following the ME, Eric was shocked at seeing how sick Ryan looked. He had caused this to the man on the bed. He had been the last straw. Bolting for the bathroom, Eric lost the little amount of food in his stomach, and cried. He was so lost in his grief, he never saw Alexx enter the room and sit beside him.
As Eric calmed down, he vowed to do anything he could to gain Ryan’s trust, if just to repair the damage he had done.
It had taken many months before Ryan was fit for the field again, but he was still meek and quiet around everyone. It was as if he believed that it would all go back to how it was, and the people on patrol were very protective of the young CSI.
Eric had tried to apologize to Ryan, but the younger man hid every time that Eric wanted to talk about anything unrelated to the case. Accepting the fact that Ryan wanted nothing to do with him hurt, but he knew it was his own fault. He had started asking the patrol members to pass on work messages to Ryan, and waited for Ryan to make the first move.
Cases passed on and Ryan had made connections one person at a time. Ryan was now being friendly with almost everyone in the lab, and he began to try Eric next. He was shocked when Eric agreed to do things with him outside of work, and smiled a true smile at the Cuban for the first time in half a year.
The meetings were rocky at first, but after several safe grounds, both opened up to each other without the fear of their words being launched back at them. It took a while, but both were finally on the path to a new start; and if Eric had anything to say about it, possibly even a new future.
The End... Or is it?